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Playing With Fire

Playing With Fire

By Joli Hamilton

Welcome to playing with fire, the podcast for people who are ready to custom build their love.

We’re talking about non-monogamy–however you design it–as an individuation opportunity.

Want to leave the default and make your life spectacularly you? You’re in the right place.
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75 Leaving purity culture for a life you love - with guest Lauren Elise Barnes

Playing With FireJul 24, 2022

00:00
01:10:39
144 Handling polyamory problems: Q&A with Polywise authors Jessica Fern and David Cooley

144 Handling polyamory problems: Q&A with Polywise authors Jessica Fern and David Cooley

We’re back with Jessica Fern and David Cooley, co-authors of the incredible book Polywise, and this time they’re answering your questions.

We cover so much in this episode, but it’s all through the lens of a restorative relational framework, which is an incredibly powerful way to transform how you move through conflict in your relationships. Their responses include both practical exercises that you can implement in your life today, and important, big-picture discussions about polyamory, attachment, jealousy, reassurance, parenting, and so much more.

Here are the questions that Jessica and David answer in this episode:

  • What would you recommend for a hinge partner working to unpack codependence in non-monogamy?
  • How do I manage this feeling? - When my partner is getting closer to someone else, in my head, that means that they're moving further away from me.
  • How can I rebuild or repair metamour relationships when resentment and misunderstandings have started to pile up?
  • What do you do when you're parenting with someone that you're disentangling from?
  • How do I meet attachment needs within long distance partnerships?

Jessica Fern is a Psychotherapist, Certified Clinical Trauma Professional, and author of the book Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma, and NonMonomgamy and The Polysecure Workbook. In her international private practice, Jessica works with individuals, couples, and people in multiple-partner relationships who no longer want to be limited by their reactive patterns, cultural conditioning, insecure attachment styles, and past traumas, helping them to embody new possibilities in life and love.

Learn more at www.JessicaFern.com

David Cooley is a professional Restorative Justice facilitator, diversity and privilege awareness trainer, and bilingual cultural broker. He is the creator of the Restorative Relationship Conversations model, a process that transforms interpersonal conflict into deeper connection, intimacy and repair. In his private practice, David specializes in working with non-monogamous and LGBTQ partnerships, incorporating a variety of modalities including trauma-informed care, attachment theory, somatic practices, narrative theory, and mindfulness-based techniques.

To learn more about doing restorative partner work with David, visit his website here: ⁠www.restorativerelationship.com

JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.theyearofopening.com⁠⁠

Playing With Fire has been featured as one of the top 5 ⁠⁠best non-monogamy podcasts⁠⁠!

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at⁠⁠ www.JoliQuiz.com

Mar 16, 202457:58
143 Consent, stronger relationships, and hotter sex in a changing world with author Dr. Eric FitzMedrud

143 Consent, stronger relationships, and hotter sex in a changing world with author Dr. Eric FitzMedrud

Consent can be a difficult topic for everyone. And there's a particularly large gap in our cultural conversations, sexual education, and practical skill development when it comes to consent and men. So many men (and that includes anyone who identifies as a man!) know there’s a problem, and want to do better, but aren’t entirely sure how to fix it.

Our guest for this episode, Dr. Eric Fitzmedrud is here to remedy that. His work dives deep and does not shy away from difficult conversations. He knows from his own experiences, and from his experiences as a therapist, how important support and connection are for men, and how often men struggle to find it, because of our suffocating cultural norms around masculinity.

No man can—or should—live up to the 2-dimensional, patriarchal image of what a man is supposed to be. So many people know that, but when we’re faced with difficult situations, it’s easy to slip back into outdated gender roles. In this episode, we’re digging into how you can develop the emotional skills you need to navigate these relationship challenges with more nuance and integrity.

Eric FitzMedrud is a therapist specializing in relationship and sexual issues in the San Francisco Bay Area. His specialty is helping men improve their sex lives by learning to regulate emotions, remove sexual entitlement, and hone sexual consent and negotiation skills. FitzMedrud is a member of the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists. He has been published in academic books, presented at conferences, and taught many graduate courses in psychology. He is polyamorous, bisexual, and lives with his wife of twenty-three years and his life partner of six years in San Francisco’s East Bay area, California.

Read Dr. FitzMedrud’s new book HERE

Get the support you NEED to have the open relationship you WANT in my year-long group program, The Year Of Opening. Go here now >>> www.TheYearOfOpening.com

Playing With Fire has been featured as one of the top 5 ⁠⁠best non-monogamy podcasts⁠⁠!

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at⁠⁠ www.JoliQuiz.com

Mar 02, 202453:50
142 Enmeshment: Are you over-functioning in your relationship?
Feb 17, 202440:48
141 Being polywise with Jessica Fern and David Cooley

141 Being polywise with Jessica Fern and David Cooley

Individuation, enmeshment, symbiosis, co-dependence, individualism, interdependence… how on Earth can we navigate through all these paradigms and bring balance to our relationships??

Luckily, in this episode, we’re joined by Jessica Fern and David Cooley, two all-star authors and practitioners in the non-monogamy space. We get into the nuances of individuation, and how to work towards differentiation in a way that is intentional instead of reactive.

We talk about the monomind (that sneaky thing is always causing trouble!!) and how it can be a barrier to individuation and healthy conflict resolution in non-monogamous relationships.

Jessica and David’s new book Polywise is a must-read. Learn more about it here!


Jessica Fern is a Psychotherapist, Certified Clinical Trauma Professional, and author of the book Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma, and NonMonomgamy and The Polysecure Workbook. In her international private practice, Jessica works with individuals, couples, and people in multiple-partner relationships who no longer want to be limited by their reactive patterns, cultural conditioning, insecure attachment styles, and past traumas, helping them to embody new possibilities in life and love.

Learn more at www.JessicaFern.com

David Cooley is a professional Restorative Justice facilitator, diversity and privilege awareness trainer, and bilingual cultural broker. He is the creator of the Restorative Relationship Conversations model, a process that transforms interpersonal conflict into deeper connection, intimacy and repair. In his private practice, David specializes in working with non-monogamous and LGBTQ partnerships, incorporating a variety of modalities including trauma-informed care, attachment theory, somatic practices, narrative theory, and mindfulness-based techniques.

To learn more about doing restorative partner work with David, visit his website here: ⁠www.restorativerelationship.com


Get the support you NEED to have the open relationship you WANT in my year-long group program, The Year Of Opening. Go here now >>> www.TheYearOfOpening.com

Playing With Fire has been featured as one of the top 5 ⁠⁠best non-monogamy podcasts⁠⁠!

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at⁠⁠ www.JoliQuiz.com

Feb 03, 202458:18
140 [Replay] Balancing individuation & secure attachment with Polysecure author Jessica Fern

140 [Replay] Balancing individuation & secure attachment with Polysecure author Jessica Fern

Jessica will be back next week with her coauthor David Cooley. Prime the pump by listening to this episode!

~

It's normal to want your relationship to feel secure.

It's normal to want to individuate.

It's normal to want to explore what life can look like beyond the constraints of default monogamy.

But how do you actually deal with your specific attachment wounds and still create a love that makes space for multiple loving connections? 

Joli & Jessica dove into how attachment theory can help us make a relationship that actually works for us, but we went beyond the surface of attachment theory. Y'all are smart- and she's done a lot of interviews already (google is your friend), so I wanted to go deeper and find out how Jessica weaves other theories into her work and how she helps people move out of relational trauma loops and into the life they desire. 

Jealousy, internal family systems/parts work, and narrative therapy... oh, and some sneak peeks of Jessica's upcoming book Polywise!


Jessica Fern is a Psychotherapist, Certified Clinical Trauma Professional, and author of the book Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma, and NonMonomgamy and The Polysecure Workbook. In her international private practice, Jessica works with individuals, couples, and people in multiple-partner relationships who no longer want to be limited by their reactive patterns, cultural conditioning, insecure attachment styles, and past traumas, helping them to embody new possibilities in life and love. 

Learn more at  www.JessicaFern.com 


Get the support you NEED to have the open relationship you WANT in my year-long group program, The Year Of Opening. Go here now >>> www.TheYearOfOpening.com

Playing With Fire has been featured as one of the top 5 ⁠best non-monogamy podcasts⁠!

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at⁠⁠ www.JoliQuiz.com⁠

Jan 20, 202454:12
139 Hinge skills part 2: How to go from squeaky hinge to skilled tapestry weaver
Jan 13, 202448:09
138 How can I be a better hinge partner?
Jan 06, 202437:33
137 Handling the stress of relational growth
Dec 23, 202336:57
136 Help, I got poly-bombed!
Dec 16, 202348:17
135 Veto power: The good, the bad, and the ugly
Dec 09, 202335:02
134 Agreements, boundaries, and consequences
Dec 02, 202336:47
133 Doing the relationship work
Nov 25, 202328:13
132 Why am I not enough?
Nov 18, 202331:36
131 De-escalating relationships with care
Nov 11, 202342:08
130 Turn toxic attractions into psychological growth w/Sunny Megatron
Nov 04, 202357:06
129 Imago Dialogue: Transforming Conflict into Connection
Oct 28, 202301:21:44
128 Unfuck Your Monomind
Oct 21, 202333:21
127 Comperstruggle: When jealousy & compersion collide with Dr. Marie Thouin
Oct 14, 202339:44
126 Finding Your People w/the hosts of Normalizing Non-Monogamy: Emma & Fin
Oct 07, 202358:07
125 The Jealousy Roadmap

125 The Jealousy Roadmap

Struggling with your own jealousy? 

Partner struggling with jealousy?

Friends/community arguing about how to handle jealousy?


This episode was MADE for you.


The jealousy roadmap emerged directly from my qualitative research on jealousy. Since then I’ve put it to the test with hundreds of people- it works. 


And I want you to have it for free because jealousy is a normal emotion and you deserve to feel empowered to work with jealousy proactively.


You’ll also want to download >>>The Jealousy Roadmap Workbook HERE


BONUS!!! If this gets you excited, take the next step and download The Jealousy Masterclass — a 3-hour seminar and 30-page workbook perfect for continuing your jealousy shadow work  50% off because I LOVE that you are diving into your jealousy work!  


GET THE JEALOUSY MASTERCLASS 50% off


Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Stuck on step 5 of the jealousy roadmap? Nurture Compersion by checking out Dr. Marie Thouin's work at www.WhatIsCompersion.com

Sep 23, 202301:11:40
124 Are you ready to bring your whole quirky self to your relationships? With guest expert Rachel Wright
Sep 09, 202301:02:36
123 Weasel words and creating more intimacy in your relationships
Aug 26, 202341:14
122 Get the skills to build your own relationship - with guest expert Carrie Jeroslow
Aug 19, 202301:00:14
121 Am I cut out for non-monogamy? Finding safety during your exploration
Aug 12, 202328:57
120 How do I break through relationship stagnation?
Aug 05, 202348:06
119 Soft Cock Week with guest expert Michelle Renee
Jul 22, 202345:58
118 Are there quick and easy ways to manage stress? A: Yes. With guest experts Elisabeth Kristof, Melanie Weller, and Matt Bush
Jul 15, 202356:01
117 Business and pleasure with Beth Hankes
Jul 09, 202337:36
116 Mindful Dating with guest expert Marie Thouin
Jul 01, 202354:08
115 The Nature of Relating with guest expert Megan Bhatia
Jun 17, 202301:01:55
114 Non-monogamy is a psychological growth lab: Are you ready?
Jun 10, 202332:05
113 How to do hard things & build exceptional love with Neuro-Somatic Intelligence expert Elisabeth Kristof

113 How to do hard things & build exceptional love with Neuro-Somatic Intelligence expert Elisabeth Kristof

How do you handle wigging out, feeling like a mess, or in technical terms getting dysregulated? Well, we rely on tools we learned from applied neurologist Elisabeth Kristof, and now you can hear about them directly from her! Learning how to work with your unique nervous system is like getting the cheat code to be more present in your life, have access to pleasure, and be more of who you want to be even when stuff gets tough.


You're going to want to know how to work with Elisabeth, and she's offering two free weeks of live and on-demand coaching at freeneurotrial.com!


And... hey... if you've been wanting to train to be a Neuro-Somatic Coach a new cohort enrolls this fall- learn more by booking a call with Elisabeth HERE


Elisabeth Kristof, MA, is an expert in nervous system health for trauma resolution and behavior change. She is the founder of Brain-Based Wellness, an online platform that trains the nervous system and body to resolve old patterns, improve performance and increase well-being. She is co-host of the Trauma Rewired podcast that explores the neurology of complex trauma.

Elisabeth is a certified applied neurology and somatics practitioner who has been in the wellness industry since 2007. She works with entrepreneurs, athletes, leaders and creatives to improve resilience, manage stress and regulate emotions through intentional, science-based brain training.

Her research and work with hundreds of clients has taught her that healing and change must occur in both the body and the mind, that each body, mind, and nervous system is unique, and most importantly, that with the right tools, we are all capable of healing.

She is also the founder of Neuro-Somatic Intelligence Certification, an ICF-accredited course that teaches leading-edge, somatic coaching that creates client transformation from the body to the brain.


Curious if you're ready to open your relationship successfully? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com


Jun 03, 202301:00:12
112 Sex clubs and more with Ashley Weller from What's Your Position podcast
May 27, 202301:17:58
111 Build Your Relationship Toolkit with guest experts Dedeker, Emily & Jase of the Multiamory podcast
May 20, 202354:55
110 How surrogate partner therapy works with guest expert Brian Gibney
May 13, 202301:06:03
109 We Opened Up & EEK! What to do when exciting beginnings turn scary
May 06, 202340:16
108 What would you do with your full power? A conversation about kink, power exchange, and everyday life with Mollena Williams-Haas
Apr 29, 202351:16
107 Power dynamics for non-kinksters (part 2) How to share power when you were raised to be an entitled jerk & a martyr
Apr 17, 202350:41
106 The conversation that  will change your life: Power dynamics  for non-kinksters
Apr 08, 202347:12
105 Shadow work: What if your monsters were trying to help you live the life you always wanted?
Apr 01, 202344:26
104 Help! What can I do with all my feelings when my partner is on a date?
Mar 25, 202348:13
103 How to successfully ask your partner to explore non-monogamy
Mar 11, 202336:44
102 How to find, create, and enjoy non-monogamous community with guest expert Libby Sinback
Mar 04, 202301:15:00
101 Three ways of being polyamorous
Feb 25, 202351:31
100 Finding relationship happiness through creative projects
Feb 18, 202338:32
99 Balancing individuation & secure attachment with Polysecure author Jessica Fern

99 Balancing individuation & secure attachment with Polysecure author Jessica Fern

Feb 11, 202354:12
98 You're *too much*

98 You're *too much*

Joli here- how many times have you heard one of these gems?  You're a lot.  You're intimidating.  You're an energizer bunny.  You're hyper-productive.  You must never rest.  You're just too much. 

Tell me, who are you comparing me to when you make this pronouncement? 

Ken sat down to talk out one of my core wounded parts, the girl who gets told she's intimidating in every way. It was good medicine for me, and I hope listening in offers the same to you. 

If you've been told you're too much, I hope I hear more from you. Get louder, dance more wildly, splash color everywhere... be you where I can see, please!

Feb 04, 202336:11
97 Jealousy and sexual arousal: getting off on the green-eyed monster!
Jan 28, 202340:08
96 Which is better: To open from the start or to establish couplehood first?
Jan 21, 202340:18
95 Envisioning Your Dream Relationship
Jan 14, 202350:17