Find love after 40 with Renée Suzanne

Has the guy you’re seeing suggested any of these things:

• Takeout at his place

• Netflix and chill

• Helping him shop or do chores

• Attending his events

Or does he keep texting and texting but never ask you out?

Or do you get the dreaded late-night text or call asking if he can come over or if you’ll come to his place?

NOOOOOOOOO!

If you’re seeing this behavior in the men you date, I’d like you to consider upgrading your presence so that men know they’re dealing with a quality woman.

Some guys are just looking for a good time and do things like this to scoop up low hanging fruit, women who will give them what they want without much, if any, effort on their part.

Women who tolerate this behavior, usually in the name of being “cool, easy to get along with, nice, or “low maintenance”, are almost never treated well.

They think it’s because men are terrible, but what really happened is that they have no standards for how they are treated and let men walk all over them.

I want you to have high standards in dating; not for superficial characteristics like height, income or education levels but for HOW YOU ARE TREATED!!!

This is how you can raise your standards and have your pick of great guys.

I teach all my clients how to do this.

So if the men you’re dating start treating you this way, I want you to upgrade your presence and raise your standards.

Don’t be afraid of losing men over this. 

The men who try to pull this aren’t the kinds of men you want anyway.

I have a great resource to help you create your very own custom man plan so that you can find a quality man ASAP.

Today we’re talking to a matchmaker!

If you’ve ever considered working with one, you will love this episode.

I’m interviewing Lisa with Selective Search and she’s answering my most burning questions like:

• Who is a good candidate to work with a matchmaker?

• What are the benefits of hiring a matchmaker?

• What is the price range?

• What can clients expect?

• What should one look for in a matchmaker?

• If I decide to work with the matchmaker, how can I make the most of the experience?

And more!

Working with a matchmaker is a serious investment of time and money, but they can offer incredible results.

Does he have lots of women friends, stay friends with all his exes and drive you crazy with insecurity and jealousy?

Does he gaslight you about this or do you gaslight yourself?

Do you feel awful, insecure or jealous a lot of the time and wish he would change his ways?

Get rid of guys like this!!

Men who want to hang out with all the women generally have ginormous egos and aren’t interested in monogamous relationships. 

Even if you find a man who is, he’s not your guy if this behavior is unacceptable to you.

Don’t expect him to change, grow out of it or get past it because he loves you enough.

Don’t expect yourself to get over it once you’re secure enough.

Most women do not enjoy this experience and it’s ok if you’re like most women.

Just find a guy who’s in it to win it with YOU!

He’s out there looking for you right now.

I have a great resource to help you create your very own custom man plan so that you can find a quality man ASAP.

How do you really know if you’d benefit from working on your dating skills?

The short answer is, if you’re in your 40’s and not getting the results you want with dating, it is very likely due to a skill gap unless you have been hiding under a rock for the last 10 years.

Here are some things I’ve heard from women I’ve helped by teaching them basic dating skills:

You really want a great guy in your life, but you don’t know where to start

You don’t like the guys who like you and the ones you want never like you back

You rarely make it past a few dates with a new guy

You have trouble with men being disrespectful and/or expecting sex too soon

You get tons of requests for friends-with-benefits or guys who want to keep things casual

You keep ending up in “situationships”

Your relationships start out well, but never seem to go the distance

You stay with men too long hoping it will go back to the way it was in the beginning

You ignore red flags with men because you fall for them or find them attractive

You’ve endured so many disappointments that you’re really jaded at this point

You tend to take months off from dating to heal, but the same things happen when you start dating again

Working on your dating skills will help with all of these things by helping you to present yourself as a quality woman, navigate the dating process effectively and vet men for the kind of connection you really want before getting too far down the road with a man who’s not in it to win it.

Improving your dating skills is a way to be proactive in creating the life you really want instead of just hoping that something will change one of these days and watching the years slip by.

I have a great resource to help you create your very own custom man plan so that you can find a quality man ASAP.

I just had the best conversation with one of my favorite self-help authors, Sherrie Schnieder!

She wrote “The Rules” back in the day which I read SO many times. I finally actually learned to not just read, but implement them, which was a huge part of my success in dating.

You know I’m all about getting help and support in your dating journey to succeed with your goals.

Sherrie and I talked about:

1) Can The Rules help single women over 40 in today's dating climate?

2) What would you tell a friend who really wanted to meet a quality man to do?

3) What should you do if you're not attracted to the men who are reaching out to/pursuing you?

4) Do I have to settle now that I'm older?

5) Are there really guys out there who want to commit?

6) Who should pay for dates?

Ooof! The dreaded “what are we?” talk.

How many of those have you had?

If you’re anything like me, way too many and none of them has ever gone the way you’d hoped.

Because the truth I always knew in my heart was that if a man was crazy about me, I wouldn’t have to have such talks.

So, how would you like to never have another “What are we?” talk for the rest of your life?? Are you in?

Building effective dating skills will do this for you, I promise!

This will not only save you from such excruciatingly painful conversations, they actually help you find a guy who’s crazy about you. What a deal!

The irony is that you think you’re being proactive by having this talk, but it’s coming way too late to be of any use. You start out by being passive in your dating life, flirting, following his lead, waiting for him to bring things up, going along with his agenda in the hopes that he’ll fall for you until you can’t stand it anymore and then you’re in love with a guy who’s “meh” about you and feeling powerless.

It’s possible to be way more proactive, vet men for their relationship goals in the beginning and never be in this position again.

This starts with the way you position yourself in the dating world with your profile, the conversations you have and your selection process.

I mastered these skills in order to make sure my relationship with my husband got off to a great start and I never once wondered where I stood with him. I can teach you how to do this too.

You can make sure you end up with a man who’s crazy about you by only dating men who are available for this experience and treat you well from Day 1.

I’m launching my first group coaching program:  Dating Mastery for Women Over 40 and there’s still time to join us.

You’ll get:

✅  8 weeks of support

✅ 5 course modules you can watch on demand (

✅ 7 easy PDF guides

✅ Access to our supportive community 

✅ Lifetime access to the course materials

Plus bonuses!

In our culture, we grow up thinking that love should just happen to us and that something has gone terribly wrong if it doesn’t.

I think this is absolute mind poison and has done more to ruin women’s love lives than almost anything else.

There is so much you can do to help yourself find a great guy and build the lasting connection you really want.

One of the most important of these things is to work on your dating skills.

If you’re over 40 and you’ve been single for a while and you don’t want to be, it is extremely likely learning dating skills can help you enormously.

Dating is a skill that anyone can learn.

You can learn how to date effectively in just a few weeks.

Working on your dating skills will help you:

Present yourself as a quality woman in the dating world. You will be able to inspire men to put their best foot forward and treat you very well.

Have an easier time with dating. You’ll know what to do in order to get the results you want. You won’t be constantly guessing or wondering how to handle every situation you find yourself in. And you’ll experience much less ridiculousness.

Save time, heartache and drama. When you know how to navigate dating effectively, you will waste far less time with the wrong men. Men who waste your time and break your heart. You will save yourself the emotional toll that these experiences take on you and the time you spend healing from them.

Vet men effectively for the lasting connection you really want. Not every man is looking for the same thing you are and that’s ok. You need to know how to spot the good ones and stop trying to convince the guys who aren’t on the same page to change their minds.

Become relationship-ready. When you stop waiting for love to just happen and take responsibility for creating the life you want, you will build emotional resilience and maturity. You will need these qualities to navigate any intimate relationship, trust me.

When you build these skills, they will help you get into a good relationship and navigate that relationship well. You get to keep these skills for the rest of your life. They will become part of you.

Working on your dating skills is an investment in yourself and all of your future relationships.

I’ve created an amazing class to help you build these skills so that you can have the kind of relationship you really want.

I remember being single for decades, enduring so many disappointments and wondering what on earth I was doing wrong.

I read all the self-help books, got makeovers, took classes and workshops and worked with several coaches to figure out how to find a good guy.

It was a long, arduous, and often excruciating process.

I learned everything the hard way, but I did learn.

Now I use all the things I learned to help make things easier for you and for my clients.

Because it can be really hard but it doesn’t have to be.

If you want to have an easier time finding a good guy, here’s what you need to do:Decide exactly what you want and commit to making it happen.

Be steadfast and stubborn. 

You’re not going to throw out your dreams for your life the minute some cute guy shows up, buys you a martini and tells you he’s not looking for anything serious and might change his mind someday.

No!!!

You will love yourself enough to keep your commitment to yourself.

You will be so fierce in this commitment that you will create a plan for yourself and stick to it.

And then you will work on your dating skills so that you can make this plan happen.

That is really all you need to do.

You’ve already done harder things.

So will you do it?If you will, I’m here for you.

I have a great resource to help you create your very own custom man plan so that you can find a quality man ASAP.

After over a decade of online dating and apps, and then becoming a dating coach, I’ve seen a lot!

And read a TON of dating profiles.

These are my top pics for things guys you don’t want to date say in their profiles:

Drama - even the word itself doesn’t belong in a bio.

I’m looking for an independent woman - may as well read “I’m cheap, broke or just plain stingy.” A giver will not write this in his profile.

My {kids/job/pet iguana} come first - and you never will, but I’ll hang out with you for as long as you meet my needs until I get tired of you.

Don’t message me if… He’s jaded. Just don’t message him at all. And if he messages you, feel free to delete.

Any kind of rant/negativity/sarcasm - I get it! Dating is tough. But it’s going to get even harder if you date guys who use their profiles as a replacement for therapy.

English is obviously not his first language - this can be a grey area. Proceed with caution. Most of these are overseas scammers/catfishers, but some decent guys actually aren’t native English speakers. So make sure that he lives nearby and will actually meet you within a week, tops.That goes for all guys, actually.

No words at all! You want someone who can string a few words together. It shows a willingness to put in a little effort.

If you see any of these, keep scrolling. I don’t care how good his pictures are.

And please note that this list does not include minor typos, being ordinary or boring. There are plenty of wonderful men out there who can’t write a decent profile to save their lives, but they won’t do any of these things.

Go find one.

So you finally had a first date with that guy you’ve been into for a while

And it went really well...

So you leave feeling all giddy and you can’t wait to see him again.

And now you’re waiting for his call.

And waiting

Aaaaandd still waiting

Should you text to tell him you had a good time or thank him?

What about that meme you saw about the Bears? Should you send it to him? He said he loved the Bears.

Or maybe you should listen to that article you read that said that guys like it when you reach out, ask them out, call them on their BS, pay for dates, howl at the moon naked at midnight, whatever guys are supposed to like this week.

NO!

The time to show a guy you like him and are interested in him is on the date.

After the date, the only way to see how interested he is is to wait and see how quickly he follows up and asks to see you again.

If he doesn’t, he’s not interested.

If he waits more than a couple of days, it usually means he’s got other options or something else is going on.

Nudging him isn’t going to change these things, but it could get you into a situation where you’re doing all the work.

Dating is about seeing how a man shows up over time and deciding if you have a future together.

If you want a future of constantly nudging a man to remind him that you exist, that’s totally fine.

But it’s way more fun to be with a man who’s excited about you and can’t wait to see you again.

So as tough as it is, wait for him to reach out and keep yourself busy talking to other guys.

If this one doesn’t follow up, another one might.

And you want to be out there so that the man who’s going to fall in love with you can find you.

Don’t deprive yourself of the magic of falling in love.

It’s one of the most amazing experiences available to us humans.

And infinitely more fun than reminding men that you like them.

If you'd like to find a man you don't have to chase, I can help you! 

You know I’m all about setting yourself up for success in dating.

I want you to have the life you really want instead of waiting for it to just happen to you.

So today, I’m going to tell you why you need to make a man plan to help you find a great guy.

You can still be your beautiful feminine self and let men make the first move.

You don’t have to chase men or do anything ridiculously embarrassing.

This is just a fantastic way to make sure that you get what you want sometime this century.

What having a man plan does for you:

Takes the guesswork out of what to do

You have a plan and you simply execute the plan. You don’t need to figure things out on the fly. You have a proven plan that you know has worked for other women and you’re confident that it will work for you too.

Keeps you focused and on track toward your goal

This is what you have committed to doing at this time in your life. You don’t have to make a new decision every day. You’ve already committed and you just need to follow through.

Increases your chances of actually getting what you want

Think about it, when you’ve planned for achieving other major goals in your life, you’ve reached them. You had a plan for getting through school, advancing in your career, reaching your fitness and financial goals.

Helps you through moments of doubt and uncertainty

There will be setbacks and you may feel discouraged at times, but you can always fall back on the plan you’ve made and committed to. It will keep you from completely throwing in the towel and giving up.

I suggest you make a plan and commit to sticking to it for at least 6 months. You can evaluate and tweak it periodically to course correct, but don’t allow yourself to go completely off the rails.

I promise, if you haven’t been doing much of anything to find a great guy, your results will be exponentially better if you just make a plan and follow through on it.

You’ve already done this in other areas of your life and been successful, so there’s no reason not to do this with dating.

I have a great resource to help you create your very own custom man plan.

You may not know where to start with dating.

You may hope that you’ll just meet someone you like and he’ll like you and things will just fall into place.

I spent years feeling the exact same way and honestly, it would have been nice.

Besides, it’s what all the movies and books tell us is supposed to happen, so what’s wrong with that?

Well, let’s start with the fact that you’ve wanted this for a while now and it’s not just happening to you.

Do you want to wait another few years to see what happens (which will probably be more of the same) or do you want to help yourself find a great guy to share your life with?

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with giving fate a helping hand in the relationships department. 

We take constructive action in literally every other area of our lives, so why not with dating?

If you’re serious about finding a good guy, I strongly recommend that you start by committing to creating your result.

Resolve that you are going to do everything within your power to make this happen for yourself.

You will make yourself available for a relationship, you will make time to go out and meet new men, you will make a plan and stick to it, and you will develop the necessary skills to ensure your success.

You are no longer waiting to see what will happen to you in your own life.

You are declaring yourself to be the captain of your own ship.

You will do this for yourself because you want it and you deserve to go after the things you want in life.

Is it possible that you won’t be successful?

Yes, but it is unlikely. Here’s why:

Human beings are wired for love and connection. There are many many humans that want to be in relationships. 

A good many of them are men in your geographic area who are around your age. It’s just a matter of finding one who is right for you.

Success in love is not limited to a certain number of people, like winning Olympic gold medals or becoming the president of The United States. 

It definitely involves work, but it is much less difficult than these things. Honestly, you’ve probably already done much harder things than finding a great guy if you’re a successful woman over 40.

So if you want to find a quality man to share your life with, start by committing to making this happen for yourself.

Then you’ll want to create a plan for success and develop your dating skills.

I’ll be talking about this a lot more in future episodes.

I have a great resource to help you create your very own custom man plan so that you can find a quality man ASAP.

Today I'm interviewing the fabulous Corrine Crabtree.

She knows a thing or two about reaching big goals and getting things done.

It’s not your imagination. It really is hard to find a good guy in today’s dating climate. 

But there’s plenty you can do to help yourself find the good guys that are out there looking for you.

Here are some reasons it’s so hard to find a relationship-ready man:

• There aren’t as many of them “on the market” at any given time. Once they get in relationships, they tend to stay in them.

• This leaves a much higher percentage of guys who are not relationship-ready on the market.

• When a relationship-ready man is trying to find someone, he’s looking to settle down as quickly as possible. So he’s not on the market that long. 

• You’re probably rejecting guys like this all the time because they aren’t super smooth and early dates with them can feel kind of awkward, you’re not likely to feel sparks with them at first, and they may scare you by wanting to be in a relationship with you “too soon”.

What you can do about this :

• Prioritize a man’s relationship goals over other qualities that have nothing to do with being able to be in good relationship.

• Get rid of any man who don’t share your relationship goals so that you’ll be available to the ones that do. 

• Log onto dating sites consistently and respond to messages in a timely manner. Good men don’t stay on the market for long. 

• Don’t rule out men who you don’t feel chemistry with at first or who seem too excited about you. These guys are often the relationship/ready man you want. 

Chemistry can and often does grow over time as long as you have some to start with.

I have a great resource to help you create your very own custom man plan so that you can find a quality man ASAP.

How do you know for sure you’re ready to date?

I think that being ready is very subjective.

We do lots of things in life we don’t necessarily feel ready for, just because we want the results or the experience of doing them.

We don’t wait until we’re ready to brush our teeth, go to the doctor to get a checkup, or enroll in grad school. 

You may not feel ready to date, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t.

Or that you even need to be ready in order to be successful.

If you’re a parent, you probably weren’t really ready for that first child.

You may or may not have thought you were, but when he or she arrived, you likely realized that you were not.

But you went on with it and it turned out fine.

I think more things in life are like that than not, and that this whole being ready thing is overrated.

So the question is, do you want to date?

Do you want to find someone to share your life with?

If so, I suggest you make a plan to do it.

It’s ok if you don’t feel ready at the moment.

If you really don’t feel ready, but you want to, ask yourself how you’ll know when you are ready. What will that look like? Is there anything I can do to help myself be ready? Do I want to be ready?

When you have the answers to these questions, you can create a plan to get yourself ready instead of waiting around to feel ready one of these days.

Don’t use not feeling ready as an excuse not to go for the things you want in life.

I have a great resource to help you create your very own custom man plan so that you can find a quality man ASAP.

Today, I'm interviewing my friend and colleague Kristin Lindell about dating men with kids.

If you insist on only dating men without children after 40, you're seriously shrinking your dating pool, but is it worth the hassle to date guys with kids?

Kristin shares all the intel on dating men with kids in this interview.

We answer these burning questions:

• Should you date guys with kids?
• How do you know when it’s worth it and when it’s not?
• Are there any benefits to dating men with children? 
• What do women need to ask themselves before they date men with children?

There are so many wonderful men out there and many of them have children, so it's worth considering giving them a chance.

They might surprise you.

Chemistry is so overrated.

It’s a necessary part of a romantic relationship, but letting it drive your entire dating life is like letting a 3 year old get behind the wheel of your car and take you to the store.

It’s a terrible idea and you’re not likely to get where you want to go.

I’d like to suggest that you prioritize other qualities and let the chemistry grow over time. There needs to be some, but it doesn’t need to be overpowering.

I think it’s a gift that chemistry doesn’t necessarily set in immediately for a woman when she starts seeing a guy. 

When this is the case, the relationship can develop with a more healthy dynamic and the woman is more empowered.

This is her chance to evaluate him in the cold light of day before she starts letting her feelings carry her along. This is an opportunity to see if he has the qualities she prioritizes. 

A man also tries harder when he doesn’t get the sense that he has you in the bag.

Most women waste this opportunity by dumping the guy and moving onto someone that she has instant chemistry with where she proceeds to repeat all the mistakes she’s been making in her dating life all along. 

Chemistry can blind us to a man’s faults.

Take the opportunity to date men that you don’t have instant off the charts chemistry with. 

It will feel weird and not as much fun at first, but you will get used to it.

The way you’ve been doing it has not been working, so at least try to do it this way.

Attraction can grow over time and you will have the opportunity to see what kind of man he is without being blinded by chemistry.

If a man isn’t excited about you, nothing else matters.

Not how tall, rich, handsome or funny he is.

Not how much you have in common or his background.

Not how much you like him or how great you think your connection is.

If he’s not excited about you, you’ve got nothing.

You need to pack up your toys and go home.

He’s not going to come around no matter what you do.

Men know if they are excited about you or not pretty much immediately.

Their excitement about you can fade quickly and never come back.

Let it.

Have enough love and respect for yourself to never settle for a man who is not excited about you.

Trying to convince a man to love you or come around someday will absolutely destroy your self-confidence, at least when it comes to dating.

And it doesn’t work.

No matter how much you love him, how many cookies you bake him or how awesome you are in bed, he will treat you poorly and eventually dump you for someone he is excited about.

If  you’re wondering how a man feels about you and you’ve been dating him for any longer than a couple of weeks, he’s not excited about you.

A man who’s excited about you is about as easy to spot as a giant football stadium in front of your face.

Don’t kid yourself.

You’ve had a man be excited about you before.

If you want to have a good relationship, commit right now to only date men who are excited about you.

I can absolutely help you with this.

If you’re ready to get out there and date, you’ll need an amazing profile. 

I talk to so many women who tell me they’re doing fine with dating, thank you very much!

They’re champs at getting rid of losers, flakes, players and all the awful men out there.

And that’s a great skill to have.

But they’re still single and they have been at this for years.

If that’s the result you want, you can skip this episode, but if you want to actually find a wonderful man to share your life with, I want you to lean in.

Sitting safely in your snipers nest, shooting down all the bad men from a distance is not finding you a good man!!

Finding a good man starts with marketing yourself in a way that will attract him.

Then you vet the men who are attracted to you effectively so that only the ones who are in it to win it stick around. 

Without shooting them all down, testing them or making them chase you.

Good men don’t play those games.

Then, you give the man who is excited about you a chance to grow on you instead of pining for the bad boys who never call.

When you do these things consistently while being open to changing and doing things differently, you will find a good man.

Weeding bad men out won’t even be necessary if you do this right.

You’ll get way fewer bad men reaching out to you, they will fall away naturally and you’ll wonder what you ever saw in them because you will have acquired a taste for good men.

Bad men don’t have to be a problem.

Bad men will always exist in the world, but you can find a wonderful man and be happy anyway when you learn how to date effectively.

And then, who cares what those bad guys do?

If you’re ready to get out there and date, you’ll need an amazing profile. 

When I was single I spent so much time wishing, waiting and hoping to meet the right guy.

I thought that once I met him everything would be fantastic and I would finally have the love I wanted.

It took many years, false starts and heartbreaks for me to learn that this was never going to happen.

Not for the reasons I used to think, like I wasn’t young or beautiful enough, something was wrong with me, love wasn’t in the cards for me or all the good men were taken.

The only reason it wasn’t going to happen was because I was viewing a relationship as something that was going to happen to me.

We are constantly being sold this myth by books, TV and Hollywood.

We’re told that we’ll meet the right person someday and things will fall into place, probably when we least expect it and we won’t have to do anything to try to make it happen.

It should definitely be a charming meet-cute experience.

Never something as mundane or awful as a dating site or app.

These expectations have nothing to do with reality and they are harming your chances of getting into a relationship.

The truth is, getting into a relationship will likely require your participation.

I don’t mean you have to make a fool of yourself and chase men or hang out at bars every night picking up men, but you will need to put yourself out there and develop some skills.

Without dating and communication/relationship skills, getting into a healthy relationship is a long shot.

Even if you meet the “right” person, you will have nothing to go on if you haven’t developed these skills. It will be the relational equivalent of trying to run a marathon when you’ve spent the last 5 years on your sofa eating donuts and watching Netflix.

Good luck with that.

We are the ones who create our relationships and this takes skill.

The dating process can be a training ground for this if you do it right.

You can learn how to put yourself out there, set boundaries, communicate, and be persistent. You can learn to enjoy the company of others and how to decide what is really important and what to compromise on. You can learn how to navigate misunderstandings and disappointment. You can learn how to inspire men and yourself by having your own back and going for your dreams by actively pursuing them.

All of these things will come up when you’re in a relationship and you’ll need to know how to handle them.

When you actively participate in dating and take responsibility for creating the life you want, you’re much more likely to have a good experience and become the person who is actually capable of creating a meaningful connection with another human being.

This is not something that just happens to you, it is something you build.

If you’re ready to create an amazing dating journey, you’ll need an amazing profile. 

Julie started working with me straight after a 24 year marriage. She didn't have a clue about dating and wasn't even sure if she wanted to. She didn't trust the dating apps and had heard horror stories from her friends about online dating.

I helped her with the dating process once she decided she was ready and encouraged her, as I do with so many of my clients, to give things time to develop with new men. It's very common not to be excited about men early in the dating process and 1 date just isn't enough to get to know someone.

She stuck with the process and it only took her a few weeks to meet a wonderful man.

Once she did, there were still some sabotaging thoughts she had to work through in order to see things through, but now she's 10 months in and couldn't be happier.

It's stories like this that get me out of bed in the morning. I love helping women like Julie, and you, find great guys. They're out there ladies!

Women often tell me that my method of dating sounds like a lot of work.

And it is!

I’m always just a little surprised that this is a problem.

We do other things that are a lot of work all the time because we want the results, such as:

Excelling in our careers

Taking care of our health and fitness

Raising children

Maintaining our homes and possessions

Running marathons, climbing mountains, etc

We understand that those things require effort.

I get it though.

We’re weaned on chick flicks that tell us that love is magical and will just happen one of these days, which is total BS, but very tempting to believe.

Because who wouldn’t want to?

It would be nice if Santa Claus was real too, but wishing he was is not productive.

So, I want to make a deal with you right now.

If you really want love in your life, accept the fact that it will require some work and this is OK. 

Then decide if you are willing to do the work or not.

If you aren’t, then stop feeling bad about it or wishing it were different. 

There are some things that are a lot of work that you’re probably never going to do and that is 100% fine.

You have decided to focus your efforts elsewhere and that is a perfectly good decision.

Love is not going to just happen to you any more than waking up as the CEO of Microsoft, and that is OK.

But if you do decide to do the work, then let’s get to it.

Decide that you will find a great guy and you’re going to do everything in your power to make it happen.

Focus your efforts on things that will actually help you reach your goals instead of flailing around hoping for lightning to strike.I can absolutely help you do this.

Learning how to date effectively is a total game-changer and will literally take years off your wait time.

If you’re ready to get out there and date, you’ll need an amazing profile. 

Today, I’m interviewing The Hubbs!

We matched on Tinder 7 years ago and married 5 months later.

I’m asking him the questions my listeners submitted via email a few weeks back including:

Why were you looking for a woman?

Did you intend to find a wife? or just "see how it goes" ?

How did you recognize that I was the one you were looking for?

What was your dating experience like?

Did you hope to meet a woman in person?

What advice would you give a woman who wants to find a quality man and build a true connection?

And more.

I used to over-give in relationships and then wonder why my needs were never met.

I felt so frustrated and confused by dating because I thought that I was doing everything right.

Being patient and understanding

Giving him space

Not expecting anything

Can you relate?

Then he’d move on and I’d be left feeling hurt, angry and jaded.

Slowly and with much help, I began to see why.

I was running a tab.

Hoping the guys I was dating would come to appreciate me and fall in love with me.

But it was as ineffective as opening a bar where you serve free drinks every night and then wonder why you’re losing money.

No one wants to walk through a land mine of unmet expectations buried just beneath the surface.

I finally learned to be honest with myself and others about what I was really looking for in a relationship.

My husband and I were able to communicate honestly and openly about this from day 1.

There was never any drama and I never once wondered where I stood.

If you’re secretly running a tab in your relationships, start being up front about what you really want.

If you’re ready to get out there and date, you’ll need an amazing profile. 

Are you taking a break from dating right now?

I used to get discouraged with dating and take lots of breaks.

I just couldn’t handle the continual disappointment and revolving door of men in my life.

It was all so exhausting. 

But after my break was over, I’d go back to dating and all the same things would happen again.

Nothing had changed but the date on the calendar

This happens because the passage of time alone does not solve anything.

Think about it, if you take a break from remodeling your house, you might enjoy a reprieve from the chaos, but your house just sits there.

It doesn’t magically turn itself into a brand new space.

Neither will your dating life.

You don’t learn anything new about yourself or your relationship patterns by spending time with yourself and your friends.

You learn those things by actually dating, putting yourself out there and interacting with people.

And by evaluating your progress and your decision making.

When you assume responsibility for creating the life you want to have and commit to doing the work involved, you’re much more likely to succeed than if you just hope that the passage of time will change your life.

So if you need a break, take one!

But set goals and limits for yourself for how you will use this time.

And then get back in the game if you want to win.

If you’re ready to get out there and date, you’ll need an amazing profile. 

A few years ago, I postponed breaking up with a guy I was dating.

I knew that I wanted to get married and suddenly he said he didn’t. 

He thought he might change his mind in the future so I tried to be patient.

I had what felt like very good reasons at the time.

I was in my 40s, it was the best relationship I’d had in years, I didn’t want to start all over again, maybe I wouldn’t find anyone as good as him or it would take a really long time.

But I was only postponing the inevitable.

The relationship deteriorated rapidly and I broke up with him anyway a few months later.

Then he married someone else within a year.

I am not at all sorry.

I ended up meeting my wonderful husband and I’m eternally grateful that I didn’t end up with the other guy.

He really did me a huge favor.

But I see this kind of thing all the time.

Being willing to stop seeing anyone who doesn’t share your relationship goals is an act of self love.

Have your own back in this world.

When you have the courage to love yourself in this way, you will attract the kind of man who will go the distance with you.

As a woman, it’s often counterintuitive to love ourselves first but we must.

And ultimately it is an act of service to the world when we do.

If you’re ready to get out there and date, you’ll need an amazing profile. 

Is there a guy you’re interested in who’s perfect for you and you just know you’d be great together?You may be crushing on him from afar or you may have even gone out with him a few times. Maybe he’s even your boyfriend.

BUT, there are some things you wish were different.

He won’t commit to you

He puts his job, kids, ex, pet lobster before you

He never has time for you

He smokes, parties, gambles, cheats, goes to strip clubs, whatever

You think that maybe if you just hang in there long enough, he’ll come around

You really like him, maybe even love him and you definitely don’t want to have to go out there and start all over again.

I totally get it.

I’ve been there more times than I can count.

And here’s the deal (tough love alert)

He does what he does, because of the kind of man he is. It has nothing to do with you. 

A man will pretty much treat you the way he treats other people, especially his former loves. 

Do not get seduced into the idea that a man is going to change for you.

Or that he doesn’t know what he wants, know what is good for him or will change his mind.

Actually, this is borderline insulting.

He is a grown man and he knows what he is doing, just as you do.

To think your wishes and desires are more important than his is disrespectful.

Instead, I want you to take a deep breath and realize that men are like cats. They do what they darn well please and you can choose how you will respond but you will not change them.

If you try, he will be annoyed with you and he will still continue to do what he wants.

So, the best thing to do is to find a man who wants what you want.

A man who wants what you want NOW, at this time in his life, with you.

Because you’re not going to change a fixer-upper, no matter how much you love him.

Let him make his own choices and if he isn’t choosing you, find a man who will.

I promise you, it’s so much more fun than staying in a no-win situation with a man who’s ultimately not interested in you enough to go the distance with you.

If you’re ready to get out there and date, you’ll need an amazing profile. 

I’ve been working on creating a digital course to help you date and I’ll be talking about it a lot more in the coming weeks, but for now I want to talk about something I’ve been learning from the women I’ve been talking to.

If you’re anything like them, or me when I was single, you’ve tried a lot of things to find a good man:

Dating sites and apps

Matchmaking

Visualizing

Meditation

Therapy 

Prayer

Speed dating

Asking friends to set you up

Attending events

Going out with friends and talking to men

Going out with friends and hoping men talk to you

But have you considered that learning how to date can fast-track your success?

We are simply not taught how to date in our culture and I think that is a huge problem.

Instead, we are steeped in the message that love is something that is just supposed to happen to you and that something is wrong with you if it doesn’t.

You might think you are:

Too old

The wrong shape/size/color/weight/height

Too smart/successful/picky

Or that you need to give it more time, be patient, wait for God/the Universe to deliver a mate to you or that it’s just not meant to be.

I used to think all of these things at one time or another.

But then I invested heavily in learning how to date. I’d have a PhD in dating if they existed.

And it worked.

I truly believe that it will work for you too.

So you’ll definitely want to check out my course when it comes out in January.

In the meantime, here’s what you can do.

Keep listening to this podcast

Reach out to me with your questions, I’ll answer them

Work with me or another dating coach 

Read books about dating

Do NOT give up if you really want a man in your life!!

If you’re ready to get out there and date, you’ll need an amazing profile. 

I used to get so discouraged when it seemed to me like all men wanted was sex, and it’s true that some men do.

Men have a very strong desire for sex that most women do not share to the same extent, so it’s difficult for us to understand at times.

They think about sex to the point of distraction and a recent study cited that 51% of men would like to have sex at least daily compared to 7% of women.

There are strong biological reasons for this difference; hormones, the fact that sex is physically riskier for women, and socialization.

Men’s desire for sex is a natural biological fact. It does not make them awful people and it is responsible for the survival of our species. It also helps motivate men to accomplish and achieve things and makes the world a better place in so many ways.

It also helps motivate men to muster up the courage to ask women out, pay for dates, do things to impress us and go out and buy diamonds and propose to us.

If it weren’t for sex, men wouldn’t do any of these things, so yes, men want sex and it’s largely a good thing.

But is it true that men ONLY want sex?

No.

There’s enough evidence in the world that all men are not like this.

There are millions of men who:

Are good, loving husbands, boyfriends, friends, brothers, fathers, etc

Are heroes and save and protect women, children and animals

Are faithful to the women they love and would never think of hurting or cheating on them

Serve their fellow humans selflessly and sleep out in the woods or on cots and eat from cans while protecting our country

Go to work every day to support and care for the people they love

Give of their time, physical ability and financial resources to causes and people they care about

It might also help to understand that men are afraid of getting friend zoned. No man wants to feel like a sucker and pay for a bunch of dates only to never get to have sex and watch the woman go off with someone else.

If you’re experiencing a lot of men only wanting sex, the first thing I want you to do is stop dating guys like this. 

Start dating the nice guys and date them for long enough to tell for sure if they are interested in you or just interested in sex. 

There are men who want more and it is easy to tell over a few weeks which kind of man you’re dealing with, mostly because the guy who just wants sex will be gone pretty quickly if you don’t give in.

Men who only want sex will bring it up early and often. Men who want a connection will focus more on getting to know you. They will both want sex eventually, but one will have a lot less patience.

You simply need to determine if a man sees you as a human being or a source of gratification for himself.

If he is consistent in his attention over time, will call you on the phone and schedule real dates with you, he might be the real deal.

If he’s just texting you once in a while for last minute dates and ghosting in between, be careful.

There are so many wonderful men out there who would love to be with you. Focus on finding one and dropping men who don’t treat you well and you’ll be fine.

If you’re ready to get out there and date, you’ll need an amazing profile. 

How soon should you be exclusive with a man and how on earth do you find out if he’s actually seeing other women?

We ladies tie ourselves in knots over this because we want to be feminine and date men who pursue us and at the same time, if you really like him you want to know where you stand.

I think the best way to get this to happen is for it to be the man’s idea. Men are like cats and tend to do whatever the heck they want. Plus, it’s just a better dating experience to have a man who’s crazy about you and wants you all to himself versus one you have to chase, prod, nag and obsess about.

A relationship like this is the result of the dynamic that you create at the outset.

Here’s how:

First, position yourself as a woman who is up to something in life, has clear desires and boundaries and is not available for a bunch of nonsense in the dating world. The easiest way to do this is to actually be that kind of woman and communicate this clearly in your profile and in the way you present yourself in all aspects of your life. There’s no faking this and it starts with self-love and communication skills.

Next, you require certain treatment from the men you date. Generally, you require them to invest in you. 

Invite them to call you on the phone instead of texting endlessly. Make yourself available for dates in public places and locations that are convenient for you. Look for men who want to impress you, take you to nice places, pay for the dates, call you on the phone and ask you out again promptly.

Men will only invest in women they are interested in beyond a surface level. You can be a woman like that. You really don’t want a man who isn’t willing to invest in you.

Finally, make it clear from the beginning that you are looking for an exclusive committed relationship and are not available for anything else. This can be communicated in an elegant, feminine way. Most women shy away from doing this to their own peril.

Listen for disclaimers from men who may be trying to tell you that they are not interested in these things. These men won’t change their minds and fall in love with you. They will break your heart and then tell you that they warned you in the beginning. Don’t be naive about this.

A man should generally ask you to be exclusive within 4-6 weeks tops if not sooner. Especially if you don’t become intimate before then. He'll want to get that part of the relationship going, so some sort of conversation should come up around this.

You can always let him know that you aren’t interested in a casual relationship and that you’re looking for a committed exclusive relationship.

He should also be wanting to see you and call you more frequently, not less, as time goes on. You want the relationship to be escalating, not flatlining or de-escalating.

Men are not stupid. They know how to act like gentlemen and they know that women want to be loved, respected and committed to for the most part.

If he’s not asking you to take down your profile or if you’re seeing other men by 8 weeks at the very most, that’s really all you need to know. You can go ahead and ask him if he’s seeing anyone else at this point if you want to, but you’re probably not going to like what you hear.

If that happens, I recommend that you drop him instead of hoping things change. It’s much easier to do all this with a new man who wants what you want than it is to try to convert a man who’s not interested. Trust me on this.

I help all my private coaching clients date in such a way that they set up this kind of dynamic from the very beginning of every communication with someone new. It really is just a matter of learning some new habits and communication skills so that you can master this and create the kind of connection you really want with a quality man.

Some guys go on dating sites and apps and message all the women and just see who will respond to them. Then they send messages on and on. Maybe you even exchange numbers hoping for a real connection, but all he does is text.

And text and text and text.

Maybe he checks in every few days, every day or even a few times a day.

Or maybe he does that maddening thing where just when you get used to hearing from him regularly he vanishes.

And he might resurface a few days or weeks later.

Or not.

Texting is a very low effort low stakes way to stay in touch. It’s a terrible way to get to know someone and build a real connection. 

Some men text several women at once just to keep them warm because they don’t have the time or money to date them all but they want options (or to feel like they have options). 

Some men just enjoy texting a bunch of women because it makes them feel desirable. Hey, they’re only human. You like feeling desirable too. 

Some of the men who do this have wives or girlfriends who may or may not know about this.

The takeaway here is that texting essentially means nothing and I don’t want you to spend a whole lot of time or emotion on it.

If you want to avoid being part of a man’s texting harem, I suggest inviting him to call you when you give him your phone number.

If he ignores your request and texts you, respond that you’re not big on texting, but you’d love to chat on the phone and hear his voice.

Then he either calls or he doesn’t.

If he calls, hopefully you’ll have a nice chat and he’ll ask you on a date.

If he doesn’t, simply move on.

There are several reasons men will not want to call you. Here are a few:

He’s married/has a girlfriend and he doesn’t want her to hear him.This guy might actually call you but only at odd hours or during the day when he’s supposed to be working.

He’s busy dating and/or calling other women and getting to know you is not a priority.

He’s busy with whatever else he’s doing and getting to know you is not a priority.

He’s a catfisher/scammer.

He’s simply not interested in you.

Waiting him out or texting him endlessly does not change any of these things, it just wastes your time.

I don’t recommend dating a man who won’t pick up the phone, call you and ask you on a date. It doesn’t take months of texting for a man to figure out if he is interested in pursuing you, in fact, most relationship-minded men will want to meet you as soon as their schedule permits. 

Some will even want to rush from messaging on the app or texting straight to a date, but I always suggest replacing that first meeting with a phone call. I cover this in much more detail in Episode 8 and Episode 30, so check that out if you’d like to know more.

In closing, if you don’t want to be part of a man’s texting harem, cut to the chase and get him calling you and asking you out. Once you start dating you can find out pretty quickly if he’s seeing/texting other women and drop him if he’s not interested in an exclusive relationship and you are.

If you’re ready to get out there and date, you’ll need an amazing profile. 

I was having a conversation with a friend the other day, and was sharing the story of how I made a promise to myself, when I was single, that I would do whatever it took to find the love of my life. 

She said “I thought you were going to say how you decided you loved yourself and it was OK if you never found love.” I found that to be really interesting because we hear that message so often.

There seems to be an undercurrent of messaging that if women love themselves enough, they won’t need, or maybe even won’t want a man to share their lives with. I think this is bogus and even harmful. 

I felt it when I was single as a subtle, and sometimes not-so-subtle shaming for wanting a loving connection with a man.

Why do people insist on pathologizing the very normal and healthy human need for love and connection? 

Especially romantic love and connection? 

You would never hear someone declare that if you loved yourself enough, you wouldn’t need a house to live in or a car to drive. If you loved yourself enough, you should just be able to go without food clothing. If you really loved yourself, you wouldn’t want that promotion at work, that raise, that successful business. If you loved yourself enough, why bother having children, isn’t your love for yourself enough? 

Obviously this is ridiculous. 

We all want things in life. I believe that our desires are like homework assignments from the universe, and any desire that doesn’t willfully hurt someone else is right and good. 

Our desires are what keeps us getting out of bed in the morning. They keep us engaged in the world and living and contributing to it. 

If you want to have a man in your life, congratulations! 

It doesn’t mean that you don’t love yourself enough, or that you are somehow inferior or weak. It means that you are a card carrying 100% normal member of the human race.

If you’re ready to get out there and date, you’ll need an amazing profile. 

Do you hope you’ll find love without having to date? I used to and I totally get it.

Dating can be a lot of work, especially when you find it overwhelming and don’t enjoy it.

But if you really want to find someone to share your life with, dating is the best, fastest, easiest way to find him.

Dating is simply a skill that you can learn, just like any other skill. Learning this skill actually prepares you for the experience of having a healthy relationship. 

You'll learn a lot of things while dating such as:

1. How to communicate effectively. All our relationships are a series of conversations and actions. 

2. How to take responsibility for the results you want to create in life instead of waiting for someone else to deliver them to you without your participation. This is HUGE!!

3. How to compromise, not settle, because being alone when you don’t want to be because you’re holding onto an unrealistic expectation of what you should have is the epitome of settling

4. How to actually be with another person and enjoy his company, even when he isn’t what you thought he should be. (this is a requirement for being happily partnered)

5. How to get over yourself and not insist on getting your own way all the time. Trust me, I am STILL working on this and I’ve been married almost 7 years, but thinking that you’re entitled to having every single thing you want, the way you want it and the minute you want it will not serve you in finding a partner. It’s amazing how we can be open in every other area of life, our jobs, where we live, the cars and clothing we buy, being generous with our friends, family and children, but when it comes to dating we think we deserve the best of the best of the best. 

And I don’t mean that you should be dating awful men. Just stop insisting that he be super good-looking, make tons of money, have more education than you, you know what I’m talking about.

Dating, if done right, will help you cultivate the skills that will make you a better partner when you meet a good man. And if you’re out there dating, meeting a good man is only a matter of time.

If you refuse to learn how to date, you’ll be ill-prepared for when you run into a good man in real life and have not cultivated these skills. That’s why so many women, myself included, only get into relationships every couple of years and then they’re very short-lived. We’re left feeling hurt and take even more time off from dating to heal.

Learning how to date and actually putting yourself out there will show you from experience what an abundance of men are out there. You’ll practice these skills, which is the only way to really get good at them, and then you’ll have them in your back pocket when you meet the relationship-ready man who is definitely out there looking for you.

If you’re ready to get out there and date, you’ll need an amazing profile. 

Today I’m going to talk about the worst dating advice I hear all the time. I bet you’re hearing it too, even from well-meaning friends who just want to help you.

But I’m here to give it to you straight and this stuff just doesn’t work and I want you to stop believing this stuff immediately.

Stop looking/It’ll happen when you least expect it

Ugh. This is the best way to make finding a great guy to take even longer. The fact is, you’re over 40 and you’re not surrounded by tons of single age-appropriate men who are looking to settle down within the next few years. This advice has not applied since college. Time for an update.

Wait on God/The Universe

God/The Universe love you and want you to find a great man, but they know that the best way to find a good partner is to become one yourself. This is almost always accomplished by developing the necessary skills, not by waiting for the things you want to happen to you. Think about it, you don’t act like this in any other important endeavor in your life.

Don’t settle

You’re already settling my friend! I talk about this extensively in other episodes. Being single when you don’t want to be over an unrealistic idea of who you should be dating is one of the biggest misconceptions in modern dating. When deciding if you’re settling or not, ask yourself what qualities really make a man a good, loving partner. What qualities do your good friends possess? Throw out those superficial qualities we tend to overvalue and get yourself a good man.

Keep busy/Just do things you love

You’re already too busy. Unless you’re spending all this busy time doing things that put you in front of new men that are relationship material, in which case you’re probably not listening to this podcast. I see women filling up their schedules with “relationship replacement activities” like girls trips, working tons of hours, spending all their free time running around so they never have a minute alone. If this is you, I suggest you take some time to learn how to date and carve out some time to meet new men. 

If he can’t handle you at your worst, he doesn’t deserve you at your best

Listen, I’m going to go a bit old-school on you here, but REALLY? Think about the way you act with your good friends. You didn’t unleash your very worst on them immediately. I mean yes, there are days and you’re good friends now, but there’s a give and take. To have a good partner, you need to be one.

If you get into a committed relationship he will see you at your worst sooner or later but there’s no need to rush this.

So here’s some really good dating advice for you to replace this with: Learn how to date and then get out there and practice. I’m here to help you!

If you’re ready to get out there and date, you’ll need an amazing profile. 

Today, I'm talking with my good friend Julie Danielson about the specific challenges women face when dating after a divorce.

We chat about how to put yourself back out there and attract a quality man for a healthy relationship, even if you've never experienced that before.

Julie and I made alllll the mistakes, so you can learn from us and avoid the heartache and missteps we experienced and just get to the good part.

She also shares her story of meeting and marrying her wonderful husband of 13 years on the show.

So many women are afraid to try dating sites and apps because they hear all the horror stories.

Then they wait months or even years to “meet someone the old-fashioned way”.

But dating sites and apps are the best, fastest and yes, cheapest way to meet your love and some statistics suggest that you’ll have a better relationship if you use them.

They give you access to men you’d never meet in real life and they are the top way that singles are meeting these days.

If you want to find love anytime soon, you can’t afford to ignore these platforms.

99.9% of the drama and horror stories can be avoided by following a few very simple guidelines. Here they are:

Don’t give out your email address. It can be used to steal your personal information, hack into your accounts, get passwords, etc.

Don’t download apps people you meet online suggest downloading. Communicate on the dating site/app and then speak live on the phone before meeting. If you don’t want to give out your real number, use a burner phone or a google voice account.

All first dates should be in public places, not his house, your house, hiking trails, etc.

Take your own transportation to early dates. 

Tell a friend where you’ll be and when you expect to return. Check in when you get home. Or share your location with someone on your phone.

Don’t travel long distances to meet anyone. Date local men who are willing to drive to a location that is convenient for you to meet them.

Ask for his last name and Google him.

Don’t send anyone money or let anyone send money to you. 

Don’t buy gift cards. 

Don’t give out your personal information.

Your future significant other is on a dating site/app right now looking for you and I want you on these platforms. You will be absolutely fine if you follow these tips and play it safe. 

Don’t let a few bad apples ruin your chances of finding love. Thousands of people meet on dating sites and apps every day and you can be next.

If you’re ready to get out there and date, you’ll need an amazing profile. 

Having a thick skin is helpful for a lot of things in life and dating is no exception. 

Having a thick skin means that you don’t take things too personally. You understand that everyone is doing the best they can in life and is just trying to make it through the day and get the things they want. Most people do not go through life, planning ways to break your heart. 

They just don’t.

When you have a thick skin, you learn how to take care of yourself in the dating world and take responsibility for making sure your relationship goals happen instead of just hoping that men do what you want and then being disappointed when they don’t without any participation on your part.

You can afford to be vulnerable because you know you have your own back. You’re going to be OK no matter what any man does or doesn’t do. 

You love yourself and you’re going to make sure that you get what you want in life. You know that you are the only one who can do this for yourself.

Having a thick skin comes from a place of self-love and responsibility.

Please don’t confuse having a thick skin with being guarded, jaded, emotionally unavailable, and damaged.

These things come from a place of feeling hurt and defensive. 

You are trying to protect yourself from being hurt again, but the way in which you do it pretty much guarantees that you will not be successful. 

No one wants to date a hardened, bitter woman who is always trying to find something wrong with him and the world in general. It just isn’t fun and no man wants to pay for another man's wrongdoing.

You also can’t fall in love when your heart is hardened. Falling in love requires that you open your heart.

If your heart is hard and you’re hurting right now, I’m sending you so much love. I hardened my heart for many years in my own journey and I get it. In the end, it did not help me to create love. 

What finally did was healing my heart and taking responsibility for my own results and then learning how to date effectively. Then I was able to change my hard heart for a thick skin, open my heart and marry the man of my dreams. I can help you do the same.

If you’re ready to get out there and date, you’ll need an amazing profile. 

Breakups are awful. I used to be the queen of getting my heart broken and it never got easier.

Even my very last breakup which took place a few weeks before I met my husband was devastating.

I did learn a lot though, and I have some great pointers to help you get through this and come out of it stronger and more likely to get into a better relationship next time.

It won’t be easy, but it will be worth the effort.

1. Realize that it really is over. Let yourself mourn and cry if you need to. 

2. Write him a letter and tell him everything you wish he would have said or done. Tell him how awful he was and how mad and hurt you are. Tell him how much you loved him and how wrong he was to hurt you. Let it all out. Then write a letter back to yourself from him in response with all the things you wish he would say to you. If you don’t want to do all this writing, you can do it with 2 chairs. Sit in one and picture him sitting in the other and say these things instead of writing them. (Do not send the letters!)

3. Write down all the ways in which he was wrong for you and you were unhappy in the relationship. Keep this list and read it when you are missing him to remind yourself why you are no longer together.

4. Write down the history of the relationship from the beginning to the end. Make note of any choices you made that you can now see led to the result of getting your heart broken. Accept responsibility for making these choices without blaming yourself or beating yourself up. Have compassion for yourself and know that you can always make good choices for yourself in any future relationships. 

5. Have a “relationship funeral”. Creating a ritual to mark the ending of something that mattered to you can be very healing.

6. Try tapping. A quick google search will show you how to do this. It’s easy and will help you stop obsessing about him or all the things you think you did wrong.

7. Set a date to get rid of all of his belongings/things that remind you of him.

8. Do not call him, text him or stalk him on social media.

9. Decide when you will start dating again and stick to it. Don’t spend months or years healing or hiding. Get back out there and find your love!

10. Get support! I can help you get through your breakup, heal and learn everything you can to set you up for success in your next relationship.

If you’re ready to get out there and date, you’ll need an amazing profile. 

So many women are afraid to say that they want something serious, so they try to play it cool and act like they’re up for anything.

Or maybe you really are up for anything at this time in your life. You may just be looking to date around and see how things go.

Either way, how you word this in your dating profile and conversations with men is important, because men are pretty fixed in what they’re looking for when they’re out shopping for women.

Women think they’re not looking for anything serious but fall in love and change their minds all the time. Men generally don’t do this. And so much trouble can result when women expect men to act like them.

A man on a mission to find love acts very differently than a man who is just out having fun.

I generally recommend that you leave guys who are only out for casual relationships alone unless you are very clear that this is OK with you and you have a history of being able to handle this emotionally.

By the time you’re in your 40’s you’ll probably know if you can handle a casual relationship. So many women can’t and there’s nothing wrong with this. 

Women are wired differently from men and the majority of women become attached to the men they are intimate with, even if they don’t want to. 

A deal’s a deal though, and if you agree to a casual relationship, don’t expect to switch over  to a serious one just because your feelings have changed. 

Intimacy will not change a man’s feelings for you, and he will resent your switching the rules in the middle of the game.

Know yourself. Do casual relationships work for you? Do you really want one? 

If not, play it safe by dating men who are looking for a relationship and don’t say you’re looking for something casual. If you’re not sure you’re ready for something serious, but you’re open to it if you meet someone wonderful, you can just say that. Say you’re taking things slowly or just getting back into dating.

Relationship-minded men will treat you better and you’re much less likely to get your heart broken than if you date someone who’s looking for something casual.

If you’re ready to get out there and date, you’ll need an amazing profile. 

I see so many women miss connections with promising men all the time.

Here’s how it often goes down.

She meets a guy on a dating site/app and he very enthusiastically pursues her. He sends her messages, gets her number, texts, calls her and tries to schedule a date with her.

She feels overwhelmed with the attention and shuts him down.

She then goes on to complain that there’s no one good to date or falls for the unavailable guys who could take or leave her and rarely message/text/call/ask her out.

She thinks that because they don’t pursue her as ardently they must be more desirable.

And, you know I’m going to say this: 

I did this all the time when I was single!!

But having a man get really excited about you is a good thing. It doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s insincere, is love bombing you or doesn’t have a life.

I will cover love-bombing in another episode, but right now, the short answer is that time will reveal the love bombers for what they are, and it’s your job to pace the relationship. 

You WANT a man who is excited about you. 

Here is what I recommend you do when you get one.

Give him your phone number after a few message exchanges and ask him to call you. If he ignores this and texts you anyway, thank him for the text and invite him to call you again. 

You want to have a live phone conversation that will result in him asking you to go on a date. Be prepared to actually agree to go on a date with him. Know when you’re available and have a few places in mind to suggest if he asks where you want to go.

Schedule that first date within a week or two of matching, tops! 

You don’t want to be messaging or texting on and on and on. There’s no way to tell if you’ve actually got a winner on your hands until you meet in person, so do this sooner rather than later.

When you do meet him, give yourself a chance to warm up to him. 

Attraction often grows over time. If you’re mildly attracted to him (5 or above on a scale of 1-10) and you like everything else about him, agree to a second date. 

You’re not leading him on, you’re giving him yourself a chance to warm up to him and women often warm up to men and that they weren’t super excited about it first. 

These men often make the best partners, but you’ll never know if you pass on him because sparks didn’t fly on that first date.

If a man is really excited about you, you can see him once a week and let him call you every day. He can text a little bit too. It really is fine. 

You don’t have to marry him or sleep with him or do anything you don’t want to do.

If he texts you several times a day, you don’t have to respond every time. If you’d like him to call instead, thank him for the text and say you’d love to chat later when you’re available.

After a few weeks, if he’s growing on you and still excited about you, you can agree to see him more often.

When you turn him down for anything, do so nicely. 

Remember, a man being excited about you is a good thing. It’s really great when you get used to it!

If you’re ready to get out there and find a man who’s excited about you, you’ll need an amazing profile. 

I have 20 years of dating experience and another 9 years of coaching experience behind me, and experience has taught me that there are men you should stop seeing immediately if you want to get into a long term relationship.

Here they are:

Anyone who doesn’t share your relationship goals

Anyone who issues you a disclaimer

Anyone who doesn’t follow up within a day or 2 after a date

Anyone who doesn’t want to be your boyfriend after 8 weeks

Men are most excited about you in the beginning. I can’t even count how many times I’ve seen women hang in there for weeks, months or even years hoping to regain the connection they had at the beginning. 

It’s not coming back.

A guy who’s in it to win it wants to spend time with you, shares your relationship goals and wants you all to himself. He’s contacting you regularly and the relationship is escalating, not flatlining or declining.

If you want to hang in there and watch your connection die a slow death, you’re free to do so, but it’s tough on your heart and your self esteem.

I recommend cutting your losses and getting back out there dating new men ASAP so that you can find a man who adores you. 

He’s out there.

If you’re ready to get out there and date, you’ll need an amazing profile. 

I get so many questions about how to go from chatting on dating sites and apps to actually going on dates.

This can feel clunky and awkward, especially if you’re not used to online dating.

Some women make the mistake of waiting way too long to give men their phone number and end up missing out on connecting with anyone.

Because the truth is, men who are ready for a relationship aren’t going to message you for weeks on end. 

You know who will? Scammers, catfishers and men who are looking to play around.

So here’s what I suggest:

After 2-3, no more than 5 exchanges, invite him to call you on the phone.

What this looks like: Hey Bob, it’s been so nice chatting with you here. I’d love to talk on the phone and get to know you better. My number is x. I’d love to hear your voice. 🙂

He will:

1. Ignore this and keep messaging you - ask 1 more time and then unmatch him

2. Vanish - do nothing and don’t take it personally

3. Text you - thank him for the text. State that you’re not a big texter and invite him to call you on the phone

4. Call you! - This is awesome! Pick up the phone and have a conversation. After about 20-30 minutes, say you need to get going. He will either ask you on a date, say he’ll call back, whatever. 

Repeat this enough times and you will go on some dates with men who’ve invested the time and effort into calling you.

If you’re ready to get out there and date, you’ll need an amazing profile. 

Love is NOT all that matters!

You can love a lot of people and that doesn’t mean they are good for you or that you should stay with them.

I see women stay with men who are terrible for them all the time because they love them.

Men who:

Don’t make them a priority

Only see them once a week or less

Are ambivalent about them

Refuse to commit to them

Insist on seeing other women or leave their profiles up

Show no intention of ever sharing their relationship goals

Never declare their feelings

These aren’t necessarily bad men, but they are bad for you if you are not getting what you want!

If you’re hoping he’ll come around if you hang in there long enough, I suggest you take a hard look at what’s really going on.

You are abandoning yourself and your needs in the hopes that he will pay you back for all the time you’ve spent waiting for him to step up. 

This is a terrible idea. No man wants to pay a debt he had no intention of racking up.

The best choice is to love yourself best!

Something I ask my clients a lot is “what advice would you give your daughter or a beloved niece if she were in your situation?”

That usually clears things up.

Take some time to think about the kind of relationship you really want and then commit to making that happen for yourself. 

You absolutely can do this.

When you find a man who is amazing and treats you well, you’ll love him and you’ll never give another thought to all the guys who were ambivalent about you.

From now on, resolve to love only those men who love you enough to treat you well and give you what you want.

And always love yourself more than you love them.

If you’re ready to find a man who adores you, an amazing profile will help you find him. 

You can and should be asking questions when you’re dating.

You cannot afford to assume anything.

If you’re looking for a committed relationship, you need to find out if guys are on the same page on the very first date.

Here’s why:

1. You’ll never care less than you will then

2. Neither will he, so he’s much more likely to tell you the truth

3. As awkward as it may feel, it will never be easier to ask than it is on the first date

4. It’s great practice for communicating with him and other men

5. He will respect you for asking and know that you’re not a woman to be trifled with

So take a deep breath, lean in and say something like “So, you’ve been divorced, do you still believe in the dream?” or “What kind of relationship are you looking for right now?” or “What made you decide to date right now?”

Any of these will get the ball rolling and men will tell you the truth. Your job is to listen, lean in and believe them. They will tell you everything you need to know.

It’s a crazy world out there and you can’t count on men to bring these things up or to want the same things as you. 

You simply must have your own back and ask the questions you need the answers to. No one else can do this for you.

This is also great practice for those awkward conversations that are part of getting into and being in a relationship. There’s no escape from these things, but they do get easier with practice.

When you practice communicating with men and asking questions, you’re developing relationship skills that will serve you well for the rest of your life.

You can do this!

If you’re ready to get out there and date, you’ll need an amazing profile. 

Unpopular opinion:

You can help who you're attracted to.

And if you're attracted to men who don't treat you well or want to date you or call you back, it might be a good idea to start figuring out how to change that.

Because you absolutely can.

I help women do this all day long and I did it myself.

Like many other wonderful things in life, good men can be an acquired taste.

Here are some practical tips to get you started:

1. Ask yourself why you like men who treat you poorly and/or don’t want you. Write down the answers. 

2. What would you tell your own daughter/beloved niece/best friend if she kept dating or pining for men like this?

3. Remind yourself that you don’t like the bad guys anymore. Make a list of why you are determined to change this bad habit.

4. Practice dating men who are not your “type” and finding things you like about them.

5. Remember that this may take time to change, but in the end it is only a habit and it can be done.

If you’re ready to get out there and find a great guy who adores you, you’ll need an amazing profile. 

This might sound crazy, but I bought my wedding dress 15 years before my actual wedding.

Back in the early 2000’s, I was a stressed out single mom and my daughter worked at a bridal shop.

It was on my way home from work and I would often stop by to say hi to her.

I’m a girly girl and the allure of all those beautiful gowns was irresistible.

I’d never worn one before then.

So it was absolutely intoxicating to prance around a bridal shop in gorgeous wedding gowns after a tough day at the office before going home to the chaos that awaited me there as a single mom of 4.

Life didn’t offer me many escapes from my crushing responsibilities, but this was one of them.

When I tried on this gown, it was “The One” and I just had to have it.

Even though I hadn’t had a date in years and was nursing a huge crush on a guy at work who didn’t want anything to do with me.

So I plunked down my credit card and brought it home.

Then years went by.

The kids grew up.

I moved a few times and it always came with me.

And then I lost my job.

The unemployment was running out and I was dead broke and terrified.

The bills were piling up and I was packing up my few remaining possessions to move in with my son.

I couldn’t believe that my life had come to this and I was absolutely devastated.

I pulled the dress out of the closet and wondered why I’d held onto it for so long.

It seemed laughable.

So I snapped a few pictures of it and put it on Craigslist.

I figured I could use a few bucks.

But no one bought it!

So I brought it with me.

I felt increasingly silly each time I moved this dress, but I didn’t know what else to do with it.

It seemed more unlikely than ever that I’d find love at this point in my life.

Especially since I didn’t even have my own place or a “real job”.

But on New Year’s Day of 2017, The Hubbs and I matched on Tinder.

We fell in love quickly and we knew we were right for each other, so that October, I finally got to be a bride!

I truly believe that the reason I was finally successful is because I never gave up, even though things looked terrible.

I kept on learning as much as I could about dating, showing up on Tinder and going on dates.

I worked with coaches, read books, journaled and tried new things.

It was 100% worth the effort I put in to walk down the aisle in that dress to marry The Hubbs.

I’m so glad that no one bought it and I finally got to wear it after all.

I can teach any woman how to create these results for herself.

No matter what her life looks like now or how many disappointments she’s faced.

I’ve distilled the process I used into practical steps that are easy to implement.

I use everything I learned to help women figure out how to get these results without spending 15 years spinning their wheels.

I don’t love long distance relationships because dating after 40 is hard enough without creating extra difficulties.

In my opinion, “long distance” is anyone who is over 90 minutes away from you. Dating local men will save you so much trouble and drama.

Here are my top reasons why I don’t recommend dating long distance:

*It ties you up and keeps you unavailable to local men who may be better candidates

*They drag on and on and take longer to figure out

*Cheaters love distance

*So do online scammers

*You don’t really get a chance to know the person in a real context

*Even if it works out, which it almost always doesn't, one of you will have to move and give up his/her life for the other person, which introduces unnecessary problems.

Spruce up your profile and start getting in front of better men and you’ll be much more likely to find a man in your area.

Your picture is so important. It's the first time a man sees you.

Yes, men read the profiles. At least the kinds of men you want to date will. But he needs to click on your picture in order to read it.

So, what makes a great profile picture? I'm glad you asked!

Here are some sugestions:

*You alone

*Smiling no-weird duck/pouty face

*Look straight at the camera

*No filters

*No hats/sunglasses

*Not in your car/bathroom mirror!!!

*Dress nicely but don't show too much skin, no bikini shots

*At least 1 full body shot

*Try wearing red if it flatters you, it stands out in a sea of thumbnails

*Pictures should be recent (less than 2-3 years old)

*Reflect what you look like NOW (if you changed your hair, gained/lost weight, etc get new ones)

*Get your hair and makeup done, don’t worry, you’ll still look like you

*Get professional photos if possible

Guys don’t know this stuff, so please be forgiving of their pics/profiles. It simply doesn’t serve you to hold them to these standards. You’re looking for the love of your life, not a professional dater who could make the cover of GQ

If you’re ready to get out there and date, you’ll need an amazing profile.