Stop Overthinking

Let them... Let others be, do, act, think, feel- all on their own.

When we release the illusion of control over other people, it’s really not about the other people it’s about us.  I know I’m in a better place when I’m not trying to figure out what in the world is going on in the brains of other people and trying to anticipate their wants and their needs and what they’re going to say, and then trying to fix it. 

"Let Them" is a strategy popularized by coach/author/speaker Mel Robbins. I talk about how this has been used in my life, why its helpful and how you can incorporate "let them" into your daily life and relationships too.

Referenced in this episode:

Erica Curry and I discuss how perfectionists and overachievers can learn to live presently through skills to cultivate an open mind based on tools from Radically Open Dialectial Behavior Therapy (RO-DBT).

You will also hear about three states of mind- fixed, flexible, and fatalistic. Listen in to learn why its beneficial to be more flexible and strategies you can implement right now.

Erica Curry, LMFT is an RO-DBT therapist treating over achievers, perfectionists, overthinkers and tackles diagnoses like Anorexia Nervosa, OCD, Chronic Depression and treatment resistant Anxiety.

If you’re a people-pleaser or overthinker it’s likely your relationship to control needs some attention. Most likely it’s backwards: you probably expend too much time & energy trying to control other people, and too little energy taking responsibility for yourself.

As (recovering) people pleasers, perfectionists or over-thinkers we have to learn what is in our control and what is not. 

Because when your relationship to control is backwards, you constantly feel like you’re the victim of others’ behavior. But instead of taking action to change your circumstances, you might simmer in resentment and righteously fantasize about how others “should be treating you differently.”

Listen in to hear about how the illusion of controlling what you can't is disrupting peace, relationships and emotional health... and what you can do to feel empowered and in control again.

Referenced in this episode:

It's common to overthink decisions and choices- especially if you are letting others' needs, wants and feelings guide you.

In this episode we discuss how Perfectionsists, People Pleasers and Over Performers approach decisions, common pitfalls and how to reframe the internal conversation to make empowered decisions more easily.

Sweta Chawla PharmD, MS is a Former Professor of Pharmacy and Clinical and Residency Director turned Speaker, Facilitator & Leadership Coach and Author.

She supports organizations, highly driven professionals, creatives and entrepreneurs to reinvent how they work and lead. Through her well-resourced model, she guides her clients to create personal structures that leverage their natural brilliance--resulting in more authenticity, impact and balance.

Dr. Sweta is the author of the book I Still Haven’t Found What I’m LookingFor...Now What? and contributor to the award-winning Anthology She’s Got This: Essays on Standing Strong and Moving On.

Do you have a fantasy of a different life you could or might have lived? Maybe it’s moving to a different city, staying in a marriage, or having children, and those experiences aren’t going to happen. Are you grieving that version of your life?

Listen to this episode as I'm discussing how we feel and think when we’re fantasizing about the lives that we know we won’t ever have. I offer what it means to grieve at lives not lived, what prevents us from fully acknowledging the grief of the lives we’re not going to live, and how there is truly no perfect life that you’re missing out on.

This episode is a deep dive into the spectrum of burnout. We discuss hustle culture, the comparison traps that drive us to believe we aren't doing enough or we aren't good enough... which create internal stories of shame and low self worth.

If you have felt overwhelmed, tired, not good enough, or that you should be "more," this episode is for you!

Kyira Wackett is a licensed mental health therapist specializing in shame resilience and radical acceptance. The founder of Adversity Rising, Kyira works to empower and equip people with the insight, confidence and skills to write their own stories.

Her work ranges from 1-on-1 coaching to corporate wellness with a focus on what she calls the “anti-band-aid movement” or resisting the quick fix in favor of meaningful and sustainable change.

Central to Kyira's work is her acclaimed program, THAT LIFE / AR, a transformative 5-step therapeutic process. Guiding participants through profound introspection and actionable strategies, Kyira equips them with the tools to navigate life's inevitable challenges with grace and resilience.

There are many ways to deal with feeling frustrated. For some that looks like resisting or avoiding situations, or procrastination, or giving up or getting angry.

Kristen recently reflected on her own tolerance for frustration and failure, especially as it relates to perfectionist tendencies and modeling those skills for her kids.

Listen in to determine your level of frustration tolerance and how to improve it to enhance your ability to experience setbacks and disappointments.

Your money story is created from your family, your experiences and even your gender. AND- your current money story may need to evolve so you can live the way you want to live.

Your money mindset may be stuck, holding you back and not aligned with your values and priorities. Listen in as Lindsey and Kristen discuss how you can make positive changes to your money story.

Lindsey Konchar is a financial therapist, here to help you feel excited about money! Money isn't just a math problem; there is always so much more to the equation. By understanding your thoughts, feelings, and behavior plus making a goal-getting, action plan, Lindsey helps you find the root cause of your money mismanagement to make your dream life come true!

Are you calling it a boundary, but really just avoiding a person or situation?

This episode describes three ways people often deal with challenging people or situations.

First- I’ve just decided I don’t want this person in my life. Second, I want this person in my life, I want to be able to interact with this person, but I need boundaries for myself.

The third is one is to just avoid people/situations because we don’t want to do our own work, and we end up suppressing a lot of emotional turmoil and emotional work that would ultimately benefit us in our lives.

Join me to hear the differences between boundaries and avoiding, and an exercise you can work through on your own.

Related Episodes

Cooking and eating are daily tasks-- but not always enjoyable for all, and can even be stressful for some (Me!)

In this episode, we chat about a 4 step meal planning process to be more intentional and have less stress with meal prepping, planning and cooking. We also dive into incorporating more plants into your meals-- even with other picky eaters.

Kathy Davis is a plant-based lifestyle and mindset coach, a Meal Planning Expert, the CEO of VegInspired, and the author of three cookbooks and a co-author of one personal development book.

Kathy is on a mission to educate, inspire, and empower others about the power of plant-based eating in living thriving and successful lives. She operates on two primary mottos: 1) Eat More Plants and 2) Intention over Perfection.

Kathy has been eating and creating vegan meals for more than nine years. Over the past 4 years, she shifted her daily habits to follow a whole-food, plant-based lifestyle. She experienced amazing results: renewed energy, 50-pound weight loss and maintenance, a newfound sense of joy, and a healthier mind and body! One tool that she used consistently to make plant-based eating a sustainable way of living was meal planning. She founded the Meal Plan Accountability Club to help others become efficient and effective meal planners.

Kathy is dedicated to providing women (and men) with the resources to Eat More Plants. She is eager to guide others on their journey so that they can make a more significant impact in the world. 

Family relationships, Friendships, Acquaintanceships and Romantic relationships...

What’s true about all of these different types of relationships is that the majority of it is happening internally in our minds.  

What kind of relationship you have is based on your thinking, and how you interpret another’s words or actions.  

Listen in to how your thinking impacts the quality of your relationships, how to make subtle shifts in your thinking and for 5 tips to improve and nurture all types of relationships in your life.

Related Episodes:

Unconditional love is telling someone the truth and loving them no matter how they respond and loving yourself no matter how you respond.

People pleasing is lying to yourself, being inauthentic and/or lying to other people-- and that is not love.

Listen for more on how to distinguish between love and people pleasing and how to reduce the people pleasing tendencies and have more love in your life.

Learn more about coaching with me: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.coachwithkristen.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Feeling love, like other feelings is an inside job. It's about YOU.

It's also a skillset and a choice to choose to feel love, regardless of what others are saying or doing. Why would you choose unconditional love? Because YOU want to feel love inside of you.

I invite you to listen with an open mind as I talk about those loving feelings and how you can bring more love into your life- regardless of other people.

Getting sufficient, quality sleep is essential for all us. It improves emotional intellegence, decreases anxiety and helps you function better all around.

In this episode Dr. Catherine Darley talks about simple and proven strategies to help you and your loved ones get better sleep... including setting boundaries for yourself.

High achievers, people pleasers and perfectionists are often looking for others to notice, appreicate and validate their words and actions.

When that doesn't happen, or doesn't happen as often as you would like, it's common to feel unnoticed, unappreciated, frustrated or even resentful.

This episode will help you find ways to feel appreciated-- regardless of others.

(Hint: Your feelings come from your thinking, not what others say and do.)

There is so much goodness packed into this episode!

Codependency is a term that is used a frequently-- but what is it really?

In this episode Courtney and I talk about the the intersection of people pleasing and codependency behaviors, how your own emotional regulation is critical to a strong relationship, attachment styles, communication patterns, setting and maintaining boundaries and more.

This episode will give you insight to strengthen all types of relationships as well as how to improve your own emotional regulation.

Courtney Edwards is a former psychotherapist turned behavioral health coach. As owner of Alchemy Coaching, and host of the Pragmatic Alchemy podcast, Courtney blends her background in psychology and counseling with the practical framework of coaching to help folks invite more mindful wellbeing into every day life.
After earning her MS in Counseling from Pace University, Courtney continued her professional development by earning the Board Certified Coach credential from the Center for Credentialing and Education, Certified Relationship Coach from IAP Career College, and Certified Meditation Teacher from Aura Wellness.
She brings more than 25 years of experience in the helping professions, working with adolescents, college students, adults, couples, and families.
Additionally, Courtney is an adjunct instructor in the CACREP-accredited Counselor Education program at SUNY New Paltz. She lives and works in New York’s Hudson Valley with her family.

Connect with Courney:

Did you grow up hearing (or saying) "don't make mommy mad," or "you made me so sad?" Or some phrase where someone else made you feel a certain way. It's pretty common-- but it's not true and not helpful.

Your feelings come from how you interepret words and actions and the same is true for others. You are responsible for how you are feeling-- and that's a good thing. Because you have the ability to shift to different feelings then too.

This is a tough concept for people pleasers-- who believe they make others feel a certain way and will turn themselves inside out trying to make others feel a certain way.

Listen in for where this comes from, how you can begin owning your feelings and why this is a key awareness for shifting away from people pleasing thinking.

Your life is uniquely yours-- so your work/life balance will not be the same as others', and it will change depending on your season of life.

In this podcast Kristen shares seven tips to create and maintain balance that is uniquely yours.

When it’s time to choose a resolution that will actually work, we need to use our values & priorities to guide that process.  This is likely different from what you have tried before because normally we think of what we need to do better or how we need to be better and usually that means we’re actually navigating from lack,  guilt or shame.

When your goals and resolutions align with your values you are more likely to stick with it and actually make progress towards it or achieve it.  Listen to this episode for a new way to choose and plan for a successful New Year’s Resolution, or any goal. 

What does it really mean to feel your feelings? What happens to your emotions if they aren't fully processed and they remain stuck in your body?

In this episode I talk with Jill Howell, a somatic practitioner and emotional health coach. While we both coach on feelings, we go about it differently. Listen as Jill and I talk about how stored emotions may result in a dysregulated nervous system, what that means, and how to release some of the stored emotions-- even from your childhood. Jill even leads me through a release session.

Jill Marie Howell is an emotional health coach and a somatic trauma recovery practitioner who has overcome complex ptsd and chronic pain. She guides women to break their survival stress cycle and rewire their nervous systems for peace using integrative mind-body healing modalities. She equips women to feel safe + secure within and create a life of peace + joy as they dance in the mess of living as a human in a hurting world!

Links:

Life is 50/50- a mix of good and bad. Yet, we often think we're doing something wrong if it's not a majority of good and happy. Let's talk about the reality of the human experience and how to balance the "positive" AND "negative" feelings in your benefit.

When other people need to change...

What do you do when other people need to change- but they aren't doing it?

You can:

-get angry and yell at them

-nag and whine

-talk about them to other people

-blame them for your feelings

OR you can use the control and influence you do have for a more productive, long term resolution.

Need a mini Mindset Reset for the Holidays?

Learn what life coaching with me is like first hand!

Today Emily talks about her mindset transformation including what coaching sessions was like, what tools and skills are the most helpful and how she uses coaching in her daily life.

And, just in time for the holiday season, Emily talks about an activity that helps her enjoy family get togethers and holiday gatherings so much more than in the past.

See video bingo description on FB: https://bit.ly/IGFamilyBingo

See sample bingo card on IG: https://bit.ly/IGFamilyBingo

Emily is a talented photographer (see my podcast cover) and decluttering coach. Learn more about her services:

https://simplydecluttered.org/

https://emilyjeanphoto.com/

Emotional intellignce is the ability to understand and regulate your emotions, which we talk about regularly on this podcast. This week I dive into what this looks like in your career, as a leader, and how to harness EQ skills at work to be your best self.

This episode is an interview with Sarah Fecht, a leadership coach, speaker, consultant and trainer. Sarah's shares valuable insight on emotional intelligence at work including which particular skills are prominent indicators for success, and how to improve your EQ skills.

Not all pain is processed and felt the same.

Pain is a negative emotion we want to be able to feel. It's part of the spectrum of human experiences.  Feeling pain honors us and others. It is the opposite of love, belonging, connection, and acceptance, which we also want to feel and so there is a balance.

However, suffering is something we create with anger, shame, resistance, self loathing.  Other negative emotions that stem from thoughts or beliefs that you or someone else or reality is bad, wrong and shouldnt be the way it is.

Of course, how you think of the circumstances and events and people in your life is going to influence whether you feel the pain cleanly or if you are adding layers of suffering (dirty pain).

Even if you aren't currently experiencing pain or grief, listen in for future reference or to better understand people in your life.

We make thousands of decisions every single day. Some are more important, some are made with lots of forethought, others are more reactionary... or even emotional.

It's not a bad thing to have emotions factor into your decison making-- but do you even realize you are making an emotional decision? And, which emotion is guiding you?

For many women- decisions are made based on whether or not they feel guilty for doing or not doing the thing. Decisons are made based on not wanting to be a bad person or disappointing others.

Let's talk about when guilt and shame are driving your decision making process and what you can do about recalibrating your emotional compass.

Related Episodes:

It's easy to get sucked into a lacking mindset. Sneaky thoughts like, "If I just..." or "If only... then I could be happy" have ripple effects in your life and reduce your joy and ability to live in the present moment.

While this episode pertains to all-- it's a must listen for high achievers and recovering perfectionists who minimize their achievements and are constantly thinking "it could be better."

You have likely felt frustrated in your life...

Frustration stems from unmet expectations and is a fairly common feeling for my clients and listeners. In this episode I discuss how to reframe your current situation and expectations to better lead to your desired outcome.

Listen in for 5 Things to Do when you are feeling frustrated to help process the feeling, understand your motives and still reach your desired outcome even when other people aren't cooperating.

This episode is a conversation with Chris Peterson, aka The Parenting Professor, who is a Love and Logic Faciliator based in western Wisconsin. Listen as we discuss how your mindset impacts your parenting style, how Love and Logic strategies overlap with coaching strategies regarding empathy, letting go of control and delaying actions when emotions are high.

Chris Peterson is a husband, a father and an educator. Don't ask him what he teaches because his response is always "people". He's been blessed with a number of opportunities to work with parents, students and educators all around the nation, leading workshops on classroom management and discipline, as well as parenting classes. Chris is excited to teach, and even more excited to learn, working to realize his vision to: Influence the development of the next generations of world-class citizens.

Follow the Parenting Professor on facebook: https://www.facebook.com/theparentingprofessor

All about Love and Logic: https://www.loveandlogic.com

Sometimes you do need to process or analyzing information and situations- so how do you know when it's overthinking?

Listen to this week's episode to learn what to do with all the info and data that you are exposed to, as well as methods to know if you are overthinking or being productive. This episode also gives you two ways to stop overthinking and reset your brain.

Do you have an interal mean girl? Is there negative chatter in your mind when things don't go your way?

When there is something you want to do- and you are being mean to yourself, all the energy and effort gets sucked up by the criticism, blame, shame, or guilt– rather then dealing with the issue.

In this episode you'll learn to identify and shut down your inner bully so you can handle trying new things, making decisions and putting yourself out there.  You will hear how to build trust in yourself so you can follow through with what you want to do or say because you have your own back.

Believing new thoughts is critical and the core of the work I do. Learn why simply thinking positive or reciting affirmations often doesn't work for most people. I'm sharing a powerful tool that I use with clients to change negative, untrue or unhelpful thoughts to thoughts that will help you grow and make lasting changes.

Avoiding discomfort completely simply isn't possible. Yet, so many people avoid conversations, decisions or taking action because doing something differently means experiencing some new or unknown discomfort. What is often discounted or forgotten completely is the discomfort already being experienced from wanting a change.

Listen to this episode to learn how you can choose to experience the uncomfortable feelings now and later by staying stuck or choosing discomfort on purpose now with the possibility of feeling better later.

Referenced in this episode: When you Don't Like Your Job- https://spotifyanchor-web.app.link/e/3QR065HHSCb

It happens.. there will inevitably be people you don't like in the world. So what do you do about it?

I'm sharing how we often make this situation more difficult for ourselves with more negative emotion than necessary. Listen to this episode to learn how to manange your thinking and not feel guilty or believe there's a problem with you for not liking the other person.

Referenced topics:

You are not the reference point https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/kristen-odegaard/episodes/13--You-Are-Not-the-Reference-Point-e25ovp9

When you identify what you value– and live life, make decisions and take actions from those values and priorities- you will create a life that is valuable to you.  That you enjoy.  That you want.  That makes you feel good.  

Because if you aren’t living into your values and priorities you likely aren’t feeling fulfilled, satisfied and energized about your life.  

Listen to this episode to learn why this is important, how to identify your core values and priorities and how to put them front and center in your life.

Access a values exercise here: https://bit.ly/kocoachingvalues

So often we look to other people, blame the situation, or do things that don't actually deal with the problem. It may feel easier that way- as you are avoiding the dealing with the real issue. The real issue is your thoughts and trying to avoiding certain feelings.

Our world is busy and we are inundated with information, things to do, places to go, schedules to manage. And hello overthinking brains that worry about how to keep other people happy, what might happen in the future and going over what you wish you would have said in the conversation with partner two days ago.

And it does take some effort so today I’m going to share with you 3 strategies you can intentionally bring your mind to the present when it spiraling in the past or future.

When people display passive aggressive behaviors it’s often because it’s been unacceptable to express certain kinds of feelings- like anger, resentment, frustration. They may have had a parent or adult who didn’t hear their needs or their needs didn’t count.

Passive aggression is a learned pattern of being unassertive as a coping strategy for not being able to express your own feelings. As females somewhere along the line you likely learned girls should be accommodating, non confrontational, take care of others and don’t hurt their feelings... so emotions get stuffed down and ignored... until they can't be ignored any longer.

The concept of generous assumptions has been popularized by Dr. Brene Brown. Generous assumptions force us to recognize and make allowances for the unknown circumstances of others. According to Brown, the assumption of positive intent “means that we will extend the most generous interpretation possible to the intentions, words, and actions of others.”So here’s the question: Do you believe other people are doing the best they can? Listen in to hear why this idea benefits your wellbeing-- and some tips for how to let go of the idea that others should be trying harder or doing better.

How much time and energy are you using obsessing over what other people are thinking, what their words could mean, what the actions could mean?

It's so common to be thinking about what we can say or do to make the other person say or do certain things... most people don't even realize how unhelpful the practice is.

Listen to learn when thinking about others' thinking may be helpful and when it's not-- and what to do to get out of other people's minds.

It's a more recent idea that your job needs to be fun or fulfilling, that you should enjoy the people you're with, have the right amount of time off, flexible enough for a family, paid you your worth…  

It all sounds good.. but where did it all come from and how do your ideas about work impact how much you do or don't enjoy your day to day?

Whether you love your job or just tolerate it- this episode will provide you with some new ideas and points to consider about working, work/life balance, and how you can take ownership of your choices.

Most of us are not changeable in our thoughts.  We are rigid, attached to our thinking. Mental flexibility is the capacity, skill of training your brain to be open to thoughts, ideas and perspectives.

Like most things in life, this is easier said than done. What generally happens is a new thought is introduced - cognitive dissonance.  

This is mental tension caused by conflict of two different ideas or thoughts that contradict each other. We often deal with this by dismissing the new conflicting idea and doubling down on belief in the first area.

When you’re mentally flexible, you have the ability to find more paths to a solution, to be open to new ideas, to be accepting of what is even when you don’t like it. You can see things from multiple perspectives.  On the other hand, if you have rigid thinking, you may struggle with creativity, problem solving, conflict resolution and loving and accepting people- including yourself.

How often do you look at someone else's behavior and think, "If I were them, I'd do it differently?"

It's common to use yourself, your beliefs, your perspective as the reference point to judge others' behaviors.

Listen to this episode to learn why this may not be helpful and how shifting your thinking can improve communication and relationships.

Do you ever look in the mirror and have strong dislike for something you see? This episode is some of my personal journey with thoughts about my body and how thought work and life coaching helped me move from body hate and shame to acceptance and healing.

The human experience is more than just being happy... it's feeling Good AND Bad.

It’s easy to believe the either/or mentality.  It’s this or that.  Good or Bad--  especially with feelings many are led to think there are ways we should feel and feelings that are bad or not as worthwhile. 

However, all feelings have a purpose and “just wanting to be happy” simply isn't is not feasible and will even create inner turmoil by not being able to reach this unattainable standard. 

Listen for insight to embrace the good and bad feelings– and embrace the full human experience.

It’s hard to know where kindness ends and people pleasing beings… especially if you’ve never known differently.

People Pleasing is all about seeking validation and acceptance. It happens when we are trying to make other people feel good about us and like us and approve of us -- at our own expense. And it's a very hard habit to break or change because of how we evolved as humans and how we have been socialized as women. Yet, it's not impossible make sustainable, conscious choices that will break the people pleasing patterns.

In this podcast:

What is People Pleasing

Why we do it and why it's a difficult pattern to change

Steps to stop people pleasing behaviors

Decision Doubt can happen in two ways-- agonizing before making a decision or after it's already made.

It's pretty common since our brain likes to offer us alternatives. Additionally, for people pleasers and perfectionists add the layers of attempting to manage others' emotions and thinking there is a "right" answer.

Listen in to learn about how crowd sourcing opinions and looking for external validation is not helping you... and what you can do to reduce the second guessing and build self trust to make decisions more quickly and easily.